The list of events and feelings and stories
 I could write about right now 

goes on and on..

Which leaves my indecisive mind 

with nothing to write about.

I'll write about a random thought instead.

This thought came to me at the beginning of the summer,
and it keeps reappearing and expanding.
I've never actually written it down,
and so it might not make as much sense
as it does in my head.
But bear with me
as I try to translate
these feelings and thoughts
into words.
(That can be a little tricky sometimes.)

Ya know, 

all my friends 

seem to know 

a lot about one thing.

 Whether it be:

European History.

Football.

Harry Potter.

Physics.

Dr Who.

Dance.

Shakespeare.

Psych.

Musicals.

Chick Flicks.

Minecraft.

Famous Artists.

Psychology.

Just Dance.

Star Wars.

Celebrities.

Lacrosse.

Comic Books.

Or

Obscure Music.

...And then there's me.
I know a little bit about everything,
but I don't know much about one specific thing.

 Why is that?
That's what I keep trying to get down to.
Is it because I waste the time I could be researching?
Maybe.
Is it because Mom and Dad want me to be really well-rounded?
That might be apart it.
And although on my wo-be-me days
I feel that it's because I'm not smart,
I know it's not that either.

But I think my conclusion is heading into the right direction.

I never was much of an obsessive person.
Now, it's not that there's nothing that I like.
I like too many things.

It's just,
I'm much too flighty.
There aren't many constants in my life.
And although I may have some interests that are a constant,
I am constantly learning and changing
my main focus in that one area.
The main folder of one interest
separates into hundreds of sub folders.
And because I don't have one obsession
I feel like I lack part of that identity that my friends have.

Favorites.
I don't like picking favorites.
Just like the seasons,
they are constantly changing.

I think that's why I'm having such trouble
narrowing down a Concentration for AP Art.
As I keep being reminded:
I need more self-control.

...I wish my faults were a surprise to me.
But I know what all my faults are without a doubt.
Fixing them is just much easier said than done.

- - -
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
I absolutely love this show.
The way they give back
to those who give so freely
but who are also in need.
It's so sincere and endearing and exciting and selfless and...
It is just.. perfect.
It warms my heart.

I want to be apart of that team one day.
I want to volunteer to help for one home.
That's a new addition to my bucketlist.


Alright, that's enough rambles for now.
[There's a blog post for ya, Emily.

I love you! :) ]

HAPPY FRIDAY TO ALL
AND TO ALL A GOOD WEEKEND!!! :)
Haily.

P.S. Here's the song of the week:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsT2URr1Igc
I love this song.

I'll be real with ya...

(Not because I want sympathy.

To be honest,
I'm feeling emotionally unattached at this point.)

But I feel 

there's no need to sugar coat it

and pretend it wasn't bad.

 

That'd be too much 

like the carrot fries 

they used to serve at Canyon View.

They looked delicious, 

but tasted quite the opposite.

Now I'm debating how much to share.

Hm.

Simplified:

 

I auditioned for Into the Woods this week.

My audition actually went really well.

I felt really good about it.

(Which, if you don't know from experience, 

is really a rare after-feeling)

Eh, I won't share many details,

because honestly,

it doesn't matter how I found out, 

and it's resolved now.

But I didn't make it in.

No carrot fries here,

I'll be real with ya:

not getting cast REALLY stinks.

I felt so embarrassed.

The worst part was no one new what to say.

Most of my friends avoided my glance

because they didn't know what to say.

 

I don't blame 'em.

It was awkward for everyone.

There was nothing good TO say.

Some people would apologize,

but it just felt like
they were apologizing 

for my lack of talent... 

ya know?

And I know 

that's not what they meant,

but that's how it felt.

I hated people feeling bad for me.

I like feeling in control.

I played tough like I wasn't affected by it,

But that obviously wasn't the case.

It hurt to be left out.

It hurt to be not good enough.

It hurt because I felt like I did my very best.

 

Before long the barriers I put up flooded

and I just started bawling.

 

Ya know, 

I'm learning it's okay to cry.

It really is good to let it out.

It's okay to be sad.

Be honest about your hurt feelings

cry about it for a day,

Then get it out of your system,

and try and learn from it.

 

So that Wednesday night 

was definitely a low one.

Then that night there was a knock at my door.

I let Dad get it.

I didn't want to be seen like this.

But it was for me.

An answer to Sadies, maybe?

There on my porch 

was a king sized candy bar

And a card with my name neatly written on it.

Inside the card said the simplest, 

most thoughtful 

and kind words

i've ever heard:

"Smile!!! 

You have been thought of!!!"

 When I read that

I couldn't stop crying.

It seriously meant more to me 

than I can even begin to explain.

 

There is no way that was a coincidence.

That was a complete answer to my prayers.

And it just strengthens my testimony even more 

of how God works through other people.

We truly are His hands.

 

(Whoever that angel was,

I want you to know 

just what a difference you made. 

I can't thank you enough.)

 

 That night and the next day

I was able to connect

with two people who went through

the exact same thing.

Because of that,

we understood each other completely.

It felt so very amazing 

to have someone completely understand

the feelings of inadequacy and hurt I was feeling.

 I started to realize 

what a blessing 

it was that I didn't make it in.

Because of the friendships 

that were being strengthened.

I started to be thankful

I wasn't in the show.

Not necessarily happy

-because I'd love to be apart of it-

but I started feeling grateful.

Grateful 

because of the time I will still have 

to dedicate myself

more fully to schoolwork.

Grateful

for the different experiences of disappointment 

I am dealing with,

and things I now know I can handle.

Grateful

for the bounty of angels and blessings

He is putting in my path 

to lift me up.

Grateful

for the way all of this has humbled me.

I'm relying so heavily on the Lord.

Because that's the one thing that's 

keeping me stable.

 I really needed that refocus.

 

So here I am.

I'm learning a lot.

 

 

I seem to learn the most in the hardest times.

Haily.