I'll be real with ya...

(Not because I want sympathy.

To be honest,
I'm feeling emotionally unattached at this point.)

But I feel 

there's no need to sugar coat it

and pretend it wasn't bad.

 

That'd be too much 

like the carrot fries 

they used to serve at Canyon View.

They looked delicious, 

but tasted quite the opposite.

Now I'm debating how much to share.

Hm.

Simplified:

 

I auditioned for Into the Woods this week.

My audition actually went really well.

I felt really good about it.

(Which, if you don't know from experience, 

is really a rare after-feeling)

Eh, I won't share many details,

because honestly,

it doesn't matter how I found out, 

and it's resolved now.

But I didn't make it in.

No carrot fries here,

I'll be real with ya:

not getting cast REALLY stinks.

I felt so embarrassed.

The worst part was no one new what to say.

Most of my friends avoided my glance

because they didn't know what to say.

 

I don't blame 'em.

It was awkward for everyone.

There was nothing good TO say.

Some people would apologize,

but it just felt like
they were apologizing 

for my lack of talent... 

ya know?

And I know 

that's not what they meant,

but that's how it felt.

I hated people feeling bad for me.

I like feeling in control.

I played tough like I wasn't affected by it,

But that obviously wasn't the case.

It hurt to be left out.

It hurt to be not good enough.

It hurt because I felt like I did my very best.

 

Before long the barriers I put up flooded

and I just started bawling.

 

Ya know, 

I'm learning it's okay to cry.

It really is good to let it out.

It's okay to be sad.

Be honest about your hurt feelings

cry about it for a day,

Then get it out of your system,

and try and learn from it.

 

So that Wednesday night 

was definitely a low one.

Then that night there was a knock at my door.

I let Dad get it.

I didn't want to be seen like this.

But it was for me.

An answer to Sadies, maybe?

There on my porch 

was a king sized candy bar

And a card with my name neatly written on it.

Inside the card said the simplest, 

most thoughtful 

and kind words

i've ever heard:

"Smile!!! 

You have been thought of!!!"

 When I read that

I couldn't stop crying.

It seriously meant more to me 

than I can even begin to explain.

 

There is no way that was a coincidence.

That was a complete answer to my prayers.

And it just strengthens my testimony even more 

of how God works through other people.

We truly are His hands.

 

(Whoever that angel was,

I want you to know 

just what a difference you made. 

I can't thank you enough.)

 

 That night and the next day

I was able to connect

with two people who went through

the exact same thing.

Because of that,

we understood each other completely.

It felt so very amazing 

to have someone completely understand

the feelings of inadequacy and hurt I was feeling.

 I started to realize 

what a blessing 

it was that I didn't make it in.

Because of the friendships 

that were being strengthened.

I started to be thankful

I wasn't in the show.

Not necessarily happy

-because I'd love to be apart of it-

but I started feeling grateful.

Grateful 

because of the time I will still have 

to dedicate myself

more fully to schoolwork.

Grateful

for the different experiences of disappointment 

I am dealing with,

and things I now know I can handle.

Grateful

for the bounty of angels and blessings

He is putting in my path 

to lift me up.

Grateful

for the way all of this has humbled me.

I'm relying so heavily on the Lord.

Because that's the one thing that's 

keeping me stable.

 I really needed that refocus.

 

So here I am.

I'm learning a lot.

 

 

I seem to learn the most in the hardest times.

Haily.